These days the word ‘Lockdown’ evokes a sense of dread and impending doom the world over.But, try telling this to us Indians. We relied upon our own ingenuity to goof and gaffe our way through the largest ‘Lockdown’ in history.After all its all about being ‘Atmanirbhar’.
Things had been steadily building up towards coronavirus related preventive measures and Ramdas Athawale, Minister of State for whatever, demonstrated the Government’s intent.On February 20, he made his iconic call – ‘Go Corona, Corona Go’ – and truly went local about vocal when he made certain Chinese guests, in the gathering, also chant along. Athavale became a global sensation but his ‘captives’ were left bumfuzzled and could barely hold on to the shards of their scrambled sanity (see video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNktKRB3zso).
The stage for a goofy ride through the Lockdowns was set by the PM, Narendra Modi,himself when a one day voluntary ‘janta Curfew’ was adroitly converted to a 21 day national lockdown,with as much as a four hour warning. There was a sombre setting to the whole build up and an uncertain 21 days ahead.
To set the tone for the gaffes, just after the citizens heard the PM imploring us to stay home come what may, we the people decided to herd into markets in panic buying mode. A lot of the folks were out there simply because a whole lot of other folks were already out there!
Amidst dire warnings against violations a purported UP Police video appeared, showing the Police lathis (batons) being coated with sanitisers for effectively and ‘safely’ dealing with lockdown violators! I thought this was the Lockdown’s ‘ Liquid Oxygen’ moment – while one didn’t want the lathi (baton) but the extremely scarce ‘sanitiser’ was most welcome (Ouch)! And then the Telengana CM rammed the point home when he warned of issuing shoot-at-sight orders for prospective violators!
Not all politicos were so draconian and some decided to serve the people by leading from the front – in not observing any of the lockdown norms. While social gatherings were banned across the nation, HD Kumaraswamy, JD (S), went the whole hog in organising his son’s wedding, replete with jam packed attendance.M Jayaram, a BJP MLA from Karnataka celebrated his birthday in style BUT showed respect towards the PM by wearing gloves while cutting the cake! The INC in the State decided to set an example and organised a large welcome ceremony for their new functionaries! The CM, Yeddyurappa, had had enough and decided to take the horns by the bull and went on to attend a big fat wedding himself! Social distancing is for the weak hearted.
As soon as the Lockdown kicked in there were helplines opened up to help distressed citizens. Some daredevil in UP dialled up to ask for Samosas. And before the operator recovered he called again to tell the operator his choice of chatni (dip). Anybody’s guess as to what happened thereafter.
Work From Home-WFH! This is by far the most significant event of the epochal times we are transiting through.
Initially people embraced it but when one monotonous day merged into another the eternal repetitiveness of the WFH routine – wake up, wipe, sweep, zoom call, cook, concall, mop, cook again, zoom call again, cook now, do the dishes & concall together, deal with the veggie vendor, knead dough, chop, zoom call, cook, do more dishes,get milk,one last concall, do the laundry,check if the maid is coming back,deal with the shock, have dinner and drop dead – overwhelmed all and sundry.
WFH acquired an all new variant – Work For Home – and it hit every virtual meeting hard. The centrality of the ‘Baai’ became the dinosaur in the Zoom calls. There were even DIY guides suggesting novel and path breaking measures to help us tide over the maid-less times.But this was one sphere of life which refused to give in to the pangs of ‘Atmanirbharta’. People gave a whole new meaning to living in – by getting the maids and cooks to live in with them!
A large segment of the population was on the verge of starvation, no not because they lost employment but the ones who fed them – the ‘bais’, Zomato and Swiggy- lost theirs! This was the urban white collared destitute who was struggling to come to terms with the difference between a door knob and the knob of a gas stove!
Talking of destitutes, what about the tipplers? The lockdown deprived them of that one spark in life. The shuttered down liquor stores became Whtasapp DPs for many a broken hearted. Everyday there were reports of newer symptoms – no not for covid19 – but withdrawal symptoms. Then one day, the Lord said -“Let there be light” and the Government ordered open the liquor shops. The much maligned ‘bevda’ (alcoholic) was taunted & baton charged all day and all for a bottle of -Krajjy Horse, Angrezi Dilruba, Jhatka, Jagan 502 (no connect with Jagan Mohan Reddy – I sincerely hope so) and the likes. But India logged sales of over Rs 1000 crore (USD 133 Million)! This was manna from heaven for revenue starved state governments and the Indian economy. None of this would have been possible without the swollen cheeks and bruised butts of our patriotic alcoholics. In the hour of reckoning they had paid their due to the motherland! Hic..
The Pandemic has also unleashed creative instincts in many of us (and I wish it hadn’t). Once again, Athawale rose to the occasion. Encouraged by the world wide ‘acclaim’ for his revolutionary slogan he soon came up with an ‘inspi-irrational’ song and sang it during an interview (see video https://www.indiatvnews.com/news/india/video-ramdas-athawale-go-corona-go-song-605364). –
“Ab aap bilkul mat rona, kuch din ke baad chala jayega corona (virus). Corona ko mat daro na, corona ko abhi abhi marona (now you dont cry, the corona will disappear after few days” – Dont be scared of corona, kill it now). Corona go go go. Go corona, go corona, go corona. No corona, no!
Not many survived this sudden nuclear strike by Athavale!
On 22 Mar ’20, on the PM’s call to to clap and sound thalis in unison at 5pm from our terraces or balconies (even bathroom windows would do).
The nation responded in characteristic OTT ishtyle. Ahmedavad-is decided to clap from everywhere else other than their homes. They organised garbas and mass clapping sessions. People in Jullundhur broke into bhangra while chanting ‘Go Corona, Corona Go’ (Athavale again!), Indore saw overloaded jeeps and bikes in processions with drummers and many other cities celebrating our winning the World Corona Cup. Social distancing of course was disdainfully forsaken. And justifiably too, I mean can you really have garba and bhangra and world cup celebrations with masks and 6ft of spatial gap? Can you? Then? As an aside, Ahmedabad and Indore are amongst the worst hit cities in India! Garba,drummers anyone?
Next time the PM wanted the nation to join in unison he played it smart and ensured we remained at home and bummed around in the dark for 9 minutes looking for candles! Solid strategy Modiji! And this time it worked, and Thank God for it, for if this too had failed then he would have possibly told us to switch off the lights and run our taps for 90 minutes, just so half of us drowned and that was that!
But do look up the vedic and astrological explanations for the PM’s exhortations on Mar 22 and Apr 05. Why are there no warning shouts for flying moron-ish debris in this world? Gardyloo incoming!
This was also a season for comebacks.
The biggest comeback story belongs to the un-glamourous ‘mom & dad’ stores. They hit back at the e-commerce giants with a vengeance and a mallet right between the …!The Guptas, Sharmas, Rameshs, Manojs, Babitas, Rachnas, Shyams and Shankars of the Kirana Cinematic Universe (KCU) enacted their version of the Avengers Endgame and pulled off a dramatic escape from the quantum realm. KCU was now rated as amongst the first five most resilient post covid19 vocations and matrimonial sites threw up eligible kirana bachelors first for any search carried out during the Lockdown. Move over IAS,IPS,IT professionals et al, the Piparsand Boyz are here!
Another crustacean comeback was by Doordarshan, the long forgotten national TV channel. As all TV channels shut down production there were reruns galore. And Doordarshan came crashing into the party with its masterstroke of re-running the iconic Ramayana and Mahabharat serials from the 80s.
Ramayana topped it with a world record 77 million viewers for its April 16 telecast, easily beating the previous record of 18 million for the final episode of Big Bang Theory. Some of the credit also goes to the fact that in the 33 years since its inaugural run we have added 500 million heads in front of the TV as well! (If only electrification had happened earlier).
While we were glad to see some serials making a comeback one dreaded the re-run of Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi! Thank God for small mercies!
For some the re-runs of popular serials resurrected their fading images but some achieved the same feat even without a re-run.Like Bollywood singer Kanika Kapoor (Baby Doll, Yeh Duniya Pittal ki fame) was the most searched ‘celebrity’ after she tested positive for covid19.Stories emerged of her having allegedly gone on a merry romp across towns and attended parties with over 400 guests in attendance. Kanika sure suffered through her incarceration and what was worse was that none of her so called 400 contacts tested positive to give her company!
In this fantysheeny of lockdown gaffes let’s not forget the murky world of crime. During the lockdown thefts were about milk packets, sanitisers and mostly booze. Most of these booze-leggers were caught too but soon after they would be found reeking –of novel coronavirus and the next episode of chor police was played out sharing the same quarantine facility! And in a stunning role reversal a cop in Karimnagar, Telengana, was caught stealing liquor bottles – from the Police Station itself.
We all heard of magic cures and of how cow urine spray was the next big deodorant but there was one home remedy,which when analysed turned out to be a concoction similar to chloroform! I believe the inventors are still merrily dozing! Then there was one about using white coloured handkerchiefs only for sneezing. Just a question, would white and blue checks suffice? And who’s been canvassing about using red colored soaps only?
Sports was sadly missed but what wasn’t missed was the needless frenzy about needless controversies of needless stars. The cricket fraternity was really worried and tensed about the catastrophic situation across the globe – the future of the IPL! They also broke the sanity barrier by coming up with ‘Best 11s’. In the end there were so many that only 11 players the world over failed to find their names on any of them. Infact, I personally liked the ones taken out by those who never made it to the playing 11 and proved that a ringside view makes all the difference.
Indians are also moved enough by the circumstances to name their new borns as per the prevailing situation. Lalu Prasad Yadav had named his daughter MISA after the Internal Security Act under the provisions of which he was detained in 1975. So too did the innovative citizenry of today. Twins born in Chattisgarh were named ‘Corona’ and ‘Covid” and some others born during these times were named ‘Lockdown’ Yadav and ‘Sanitiser’ Singh! Mother of ‘Sanitiser’ Singh revealed in a candid moment that as the proud father announced his name to the hospital staff, they all broke into a smile. I wonder why though?
And since in India everything is about politics the last bit is about what was the politics all about.
In Madhya Pradesh right through the run up to the National Lockdown there wasn’t any politics as there were no politicians left in the State due to a certain Mr Scindia deciding to take a walk.
While there were CMs who were proactive there were those as well who had emotionally, psychologically and physically self-isolated themselves over and over and again. West Bengal emerged the National leader in Data Analytics when it championed the concept that – if there is no data there will be no analysis! In Punjab the Cabinet refused to meet in the presence of the Chief Secretary, the CM must have been relieved it wasn’t him instead! In Maharashtra, poor Uddhav almost became a modern day version of ‘the king without his robes’ but that’s for another day.
And when a ‘concerned’ Rahul Gandhi sat and chat up the migrant workers during their arduous walking exodus some suggested he was taking tips for his own pad yatra – to Italy! And while the bro was busy taking tips, his sister was organising 1000 buses for the migrants, only that the registration numbers submitted turned out to be those of auto rickshaws, scooters, tempos and maybe even lottery tickets! Not unjustifiably then, Pravesh Verma of the BJP clamoured for quarantining the first family of Indian politics.
And yes, there was this mysterious cargo flight which allegedly smuggled Prashant Kishore to/ from Delhi during the lockdown- possibly dressed as a brinjal or a potato. Investigations are on as to where he got the costume from.
While the Government imposed Lockdown 3 and categorised the country into various covid zones, I am sure you would be able to categorise the foregoing goofs and gaffes too.
Well,this is how we the people of India have dealt with our National Lockdown.
And the PM has rightly locked us in yet again!
BuTtrvieW 
It happens only in India… 🙄
What’s amazing is that none of the protagonists mentioned did what they did to elicit a laugh… They were dead serious!! 🙈
Stupidity is as potent a phenomenon as the corona virus…
Once again, a hilarious retelling and recap of what our fellow countrymen have been up to… 👍👌✌️
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Spot on! The scary part is what else is in store in the subsequent Lockdowns?! Tx.
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